Today was quite a bad day. Rehearsal was crap, playing at brass class was crap. I just feel so bad, so insecure, so useless in fact. All this venting at myself is all in the hope that I'll get better after writing this. But what I really need to find out soon is to find out what calms me, what makes me happier, what lifts me up in times like these. I realise I've been experiencing these kind of days more often. Have I become less happier? Or have I become more conscious about myself that I criticise myself till I reach demoralisation? I really can't think of any material object that will make me happier, perhaps not even money or even a job in an orchestra and I mean, with my playing like just now, how do I even win a job? That's how bad I really feel about myself. The most probable solution is a person, a friend who I can spend time with and move away from all this negativity. For 17 years I've lived without a sibling, without someone near my age at home that keeps me company and I never complained in those 17 years. Maybe for once like right now, I do.